Monday, November 8, 2010
3 Jokes About Women
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Small Sacrifice
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He ties them both up, then goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, and I'm sure he's dangerous! If he gets angry, he'll kill us. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. When he comes back tell him you'll satisfy his wildest fantasies, no matter how depraved they are, as long as he doesn't hurt us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
His wife was appalled at how quickly her cowhardly husband was to throw her at this animal to save his own skin. But, she admitted to herself that the criminal would have his way with her and be gone, and they would be left alive. Better to sacrifice her honor than their lives.
At that point the convict walks back in and says to the husband, "Actually, after 15 years in prison, I'm gay, and I think you're cute." He holds up a jar of vaseline from the bathroom.
The wife looks at her husband and smiles, "Be strong honey, I love you too"
The Fifth Floor
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. But once you go up a flight you cant come back down, except by a back door that exits the building."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are not too good looking and bad in bed." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have average looks and are average in bed." That's better but still isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are good looking and pretty good in bed." That's tempting but they still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are fantastically handsome, well endowed, and trained to satisfy your deepest desires." The women get all excited and are going in when they remember that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
Thr fifth floor is empty except for a large sign in the middle of the floor that reads, "There is no way to please a woman."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Small Sacrifice
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He ties them both up, then goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, and I'm sure he's dangerous! If he gets angry, he'll kill us. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. When he comes back tell him you'll satisfy his wildest fantasies, no matter how depraved they are, as long as he doesn't hurt us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
His wife was appalled at how quickly her cowhardly husband was to throw her at this animal to save his own skin. But, she admitted to herself that the criminal would have his way with her and be gone, and they would be left alive. Better to sacrifice her honor than their lives.
At that point the convict walks back in and says to the husband, "Actually, after 15 years in prison, I'm gay, and I think you're cute." He holds up a jar of vaseline from the bathroom.
The wife looks at her husband and smiles, "Be strong honey, I love you too"
The Fifth Floor
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. But once you go up a flight you cant come back down, except by a back door that exits the building."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are not too good looking and bad in bed." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have average looks and are average in bed." That's better but still isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are good looking and pretty good in bed." That's tempting but they still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are fantastically handsome, well endowed, and trained to satisfy your deepest desires." The women get all excited and are going in when they remember that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
Thr fifth floor is empty except for a large sign in the middle of the floor that reads, "There is no way to please a woman."
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Twisted Tuesday
Rodney Dangerfield said "I'm so ugly, when I got mugged the guy took his mask off and gave it to me so he wouldn't have to look at me".
20 blondes are lined up outside a nightclub but won't go in. A guy comes along and asks why.
"Because the sign says you must be 21 to enter"
A pretty blonde goes to her doctor and tells him that her whole body hurts wherever she touches herself.
The doctor tells her to show him. So she presses a finger on her arm and grimaces in pain. Then she presses on her knee and cries out. Then she presses against her stomach and almost comes to tears.
"See", she says, "It hurts everywhere"
Doctor says, "Your finger's broke"
I was in the diner at lunch yesterday, when I realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music from the jukebox was really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. As I ate my lunch I noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday Musings
Proof that tennis is Gay.
Even frogs have idols.
It's a fact that since the Golden Gate Bridge opened in 1936, about one person a month leaps to their death.
If only it were that simple.Sunday, August 1, 2010
Happy Birthday MTV
I just wanted to throw that out there, even though this post has nothing to do with MTV.
I don't know if this is cute, funny, or obsene.
Everyday Larry yells at his wife about her poor housekeeping. "You don't vacuum or dust enough, and these floors have never seen a coat of wax!", he shouts at her. Today she used a whole can of floor wax on those steps. If Larry's still alive when he gets downstairs, I think he'll keep his opinion to himself for awhile.
Where ya goin? Take the picture!
Jesus Christ!
Anti-aging cream my ass. They've only been married 4 years. Another 6 months living with that crazy bitch and they'll be planting flowers over him.
No thanks Adolf, I'll just have a salad.
Animals Are People Too
"Just one more for the road Sam, and I'm outta here."
Millions of years of evolution seperate us, yet we're still pretty much the same.
Again, millions of years of evolution seperate us, yet we're still pretty much the same.
"Aha! I knew I wasn't drinking that much soda."
Buddies for lifeWednesday, July 7, 2010
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